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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Kazina's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, September 7th, 2003
6:03 am
I really enjoy hormonal swings, mood swings. I really, really love now. I love the way that sometimes, I can masturbate for hours and not orgasm, whereas at other times, I can come by simply sitting in a moving bus... The way that the sensitivity levels change, and you can feel and study the changes, it's amazing. Or, some days, I can read the most depressing romantic story, and not feel a thing, and other days I can start crying from just watching advertisements with happy families in them. All the words floating around me, they create a maze, lacy clouds surrounding me. The information entering me, energizing me... And the feeling now, to be so in love with sound, to feel like my whole body fills up with endorphins when I hear particular favourite songs... Fabrics, beads, wow. I feel very material, but in a good way. I can stare at them for hours, enjoying the shimmering, imagining them moving on a beautiful girl in a ballroom, the depth of the colour, the contours of the garment accentuating every alluring shape. They pick up a life of their own. I want to dance alone. Just me and the dress. Touching each other ever so romantically... The softness, the silkiness, kissing, making love to the fabric, swimming in a sea of beads... I love life. I wish the sun wouldn't come up, and this moment could last forever.

(= too much coffee)

Current Mood: perfect / sexual
Saturday, September 6th, 2003
8:35 pm
Yay, so watching tv all week helped, wasting time is so easy this way. My dad decided to finally fix my computer this weekend, wheee, it seems to work better now, and doesn't sound like it's dying. At least not as much as before. And now I've got more disc space, great. Hopefully I might actually try wasting time playing adventure games. Or reading, which would be more useful.
What else? Started on the dreadful buckwheat diet again. Cheating less than last time. Drinking gigantic quantities of tea and coffee. Fell through a chair and hurt my toe. Broke another 2 nails. Trying to clean up. Went to the library, got some sewing books, I might actually get around to doing something with that gorgeous glittery velvet fabric. Probably not though... Still haven't started on the essay.

Current Mood: hyper
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
10:34 pm
I'm slightly worried about this essay stuff. One of our professors told us that we should never ever start writing anything until we are 100% sure what we want to show and prove. I usually always write my essays by sitting down and writing, no plans, no system, etc. They get a nice feel to them that way, a better flow, usually. Slightly disorganised, but they tend to pick up their own shape by themselves. It's always weird for me to plan something before I do it. Grr, I'll probably end up doing it 2 hours before I have to hand it in. Meh, I have no idea what to write.
Also, I have a huge urge to see Clan of Xymox live... I'd have to either go to South America, or south Europe... I might want to go to Paris to see them, although I'd never afford it.... I would hitch, and drag Ittai along, but that would take ages... They're playing there on a Tuesday, and I'll have Tuesdays off, but still, it would probably be too complicated.. But I do need to go to Paris to get some uni books... hmm... *rare moment when Karina's brain actually works*

Current Mood: excited
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
7:13 pm
Ooh, the randomness continues... The interview went ok (although the pay is quite low, and I wouldn't be doing any selling, I'd only make chocolate and fold boxes, clean, etc. really), but the guy said that he'd look at all the other applicants and then decide. So I went back to the uni to see if I could buy some books, but the bookstore was closed. BUT, on my way out I bumped into Sara, one of my old classmates from the French high-school. Quite strange 'cause, although I knew she was in the same university as me, she does Egyptian studies, so she's not on the same campus as me. But, yay, she's pretty much the only one of my old classmates that I actually liked. She's really intelligent, literary and understanding (although she's very calm, quiet, studious, etc... I've never seen her in anything but trousers, a sweater, short hair and glasses... she doesn't do much partying, so she might think of me as immature in some ways). It was scary meeting her 'cause she started talking French to me (eek, must really watch more French tv and read more French books, I'm so out of practice), but we quickly changed to English and talked for ages... I might actually go as far as saying that I know 4 people in this country. Yay.

Current Mood: happy/random
12:07 pm
Ooh. ooh. ooh. What a random day. The class went nicely. It seems that when people speak in English, and don't make too many grammatical mistakes, I tend to concentrate more, and have a harder time faling asleep. Yay. Still, I should really find some kind of little bottle and put ultra-ultra strong coffee in it, so I can sip from it if I ever get very sleepy (in high school I used to fall asleep at every second lesson... in all the other lessons I spent my time fantasizing about fucking the teachers, so I didn't really spend much time concentrating). Other than the crappy Danish goth scene, I only kind of know 3 people in this country (my ex Mikael, my best friend Josse and this bloke Henrik I met half a year ago), and how fucking weird is it that it's exactly that Henrik that I found doing the same course as me, in the same group as me?! Yes, umm, I like nice random things. This kind of means that I don't really have to bother much at all with the whole "getting to know people" process, 'cause if I'm away, there's a big chance he'll be in class and I can ask him for assignments, etc. Speaking of which, I have an essay to write for next Thursday. "Why did I choose English?"... yes, why indeed. I'm not sure whether to lie and write a nice proper essay, or just write about my complicated and only semi-existent love-life, communication problems and the fact that I was bored and had nothing else to do, 'cause that's the real reason. Hmm...
On the way back I bumped into Mark, that guy from the goth scene that lives 20 meters away from me. Very random too, I've never seen him in normal work clothes, he actually looks much better.
Which reminds me of watching Ricky Lake yesterday, I'm not sure why... But, there was this guy there, complaining about his girlfriend smashing up his car, and now he has to walk "almost a whole mile" to work everyday. Given the fact that he doesn't live in a dangerous area, and the only reason he's complaining is because it's too far to walk, wow. Americans are funny. Still, I really shouldn't watch tv. After only 4 days of continuous US sitcom, etc. watching, my American accent has gotten much stronger (*just* when I thought it was about to go away...:-(), I've started saying "baby" to Ittai, ick, and I *actually* said "aks" instead of "ask" a few times yesterday... scary. Very very scary.
Bah, anyway, I'm going to get ready and go to a job interview type thingie. It's for a shop up north, not *too* far away really, making and selling chocolate. And, no, I don't want it so I can steal the chocolate, I want it because a) it's a job and I'm very broke b) it's hard to find a job and I'm very broke and c) if I work in a chocolate store, I'll probably get very tired of the smell of chocolate, so tired that I might stop eating it altogether, yay... Perfect way to get rid of a dependance. The boss said I sounded promising on the phone, wonder whether he'll tell me to piss off the second he sees the piercings, etc. *crossed fingers*
6:58 am
Yay, I love my brain. When it thinks that something is important, and I forgot to set the alarm, it will wake me up at an absurd time in the morning all by itself (like now). However, when it knows something is important, but also knows how ironic it would be if I were to sleep though it, it goes for the irony option and doesn't wake me up. Anyway, it's my first day of school, I'm scared, mommy... :-(
Almost certain that I'll get confused beyond belief. Was reading a plan for the next few weeks, and for one brief moment, I thought I had forgot to do my homework for today. *g* Aww, I did miss that feeling. Feeling that time is changing its form, right in front of you, and you can't do anything about it, while your head explodes and your hand falls off 'cause you can't keep up with the speed. Eeekie.
Also, how silly is it that they put autumn holidays in the middle of October? I mean, sure, it's the middle of Autumn, but, seriously, they could really have been considerate enough to put the holidays in at Whitby-time... Oh well, I guess I'll have to skip a few days, and this time my parents won't kill me (too much) for it... Wheee :)
I just hope I don't fall asleep in class again. I think drinking lots of coffee before would be the solution, although that might just make me seem like a maniac. Hmm, we'll see what happens...

Current Mood: nervous
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
4:23 am
The last day of summer...
Well, it's 4am, I've just woken up, lovely.... I could go back to sleep, since it's always such a great way to waste time, but I'm feeling strangely productive. I think I might actually read some useful book... Ooh, coffee!
These are my last few hours of official freedom. I still have no idea whatsoever what I'm supposed to do tomorrow, what kind of weird ceremony it is... Oh well, at least I think that being utterly confused is a good sign. It means I have absolutely no idea of what I'm supposed to do at uni, and doing that once will hopefully take the confusion away next year.

Me and my parents went to a fleamarket together on Sunday. I bought myself lots and lots of nice belts (they're way too big, but making them smaller will hopefully motivate me to lose weight), and the most gorgeous fabric (very lovely black velour with a beautiful sparkly blue pattern on it). Some lady gave me some weird black powder for the eyes that she bought in India? On the package it says it's to relieve tired, smoky, dusty, etc. eyes. It doesn't, however, say how to use it. I'm guessing you either apply it around the eyes or drop a bit inside? Whatever it is, it looks interesting. And my mother randomly found a pair of bright bright pink pumps in the attic that my dad (who is mildly colourblind and can't tell the difference between red and green, etc.) once bought for her and she never wore (since they were such a scary colour). Rar, can't believe she didn't realize I'd like them. You'd think the bright pink hair bits that I've had for well over a year now would have been a nice clue. Nevermind, yay, they look so great! Wheee, bright pink pumps! *dances around happily* She also gave me these really elegant black/gold evening shoes, that she never wears anyway. How sweet of her.... *dances around even more happily*

Wow, it's Autumn already. This means it's over 3 months since I came back from London and decided to stay here. Marvellous, and only a little over 11 months left! :-D Still, I can't help thinking that time isn't just a material thing, like money, gifts or sex that you can just hand out whenever you want something. I wonder whether I'll regret wasting a year here. I mean, I already vaguely regret not taking that crappy supermarket job 7 months ago, it's pretty much inevitable that you'll regret everything you do as time passes. 18 always seemed *so* far away, and now it's right around the corner, that just feels so bizarre. I almost wish I could just stop time so I could enjoy every moment of this joyous existence. I just wish I was allowed to do absolutely nothing, sit and watch tv all day for 11 months, watch the hours pass, counting up to a certain goal, and not regret it. Ooh, and now that the sunshine's gone, I definitely know it'll be harder for me to stay happy if I choose to actually live my life. Maybe the only thing I need are lamps that shine like daylight. Obviously listening to the most appropriate (although *slightly* late) song... Eekie, depressing. *shivering*
And to add to the deeply gloomy mood, I broke a nail. Like, seriously, most of the tip fell off. Meh, meh, and meh once more. I should really strengthen them more...

Current Mood: productive/ orgasmic/ gloomy
Saturday, August 30th, 2003
9:21 am
Josse came over last night. I've missed her. We got stupidly drunk, which was great 'cause I managed to convince her to give me money if I'd call random and not so random people. I really ought to get a job, I'm sure it would be a lot easier. Nevermind, wine money, yay. When she left, I asked most of the people on my contact list whether the Earth was still spinning, but no one seemed to know. Another observation is that most people think you're insane and scary (and tell you they have to go do household chores.... at 2AM), unless they're drunk/high/insane themselves. It's so sad that so many of the so-called "alternative" people have such a conventional mind.
Spent the rest of the night watching some erotic movies and porn on tv. Realized that although the female body is beautiful, faces are way too often not. Girls in bright pink suits look silly. Beer tastes insanely bad the morning after.

Current Mood: weird
Friday, August 29th, 2003
6:43 pm
Hmm, I might actually be bored enough to watch some tv... Hopefully it will kill some time, and suddenly it will be tomorrow...

SextionnaireCollapse )

Current Mood: yay
11:41 am
Wheee. Found out about the uni stuff. Lectures only start on Wednesday. There's some kind of immatriculation (I have no idea whatsoever what that is) on Tuesday that I have to attend. And, erm, that's it, I can lie around doing nothing until then. I really do think I should find a job, but it's really hard to find a part-time job, and it will be really silly if Ittai comes to visit me some weekend when I have to work.
Oooh, looking at the timetable now, I have Fridays off, and later in Autumn I'll also have Tuesdays off. Neat. Actually, the only bad thing about this course is that I'll have to read lots, and I'm a slow reader, so that'll probably take up all my time. Oh well... *dances around happily for no apparent reason*

Current Mood: wheee!
Thursday, August 28th, 2003
11:54 am
Ok, I still can't be bothered to write an Infest write-up, so I'll do about 10% of what I'd usually do: it was fun. And stuff.

Random stuff I rememberCollapse )

Thank yousCollapse )

Now I caught my plane, and have been in Copenhagen for over 24 hours, but still I feel dead, I feel like sleeping for the next week. Actually I was supposed to go into uni today for some kind of intro-stuff. Oh well. I've realized 2 important things that I want to mention:
- I was never sure why I liked pretentious people. I mean, I know they're irritating and all, but somehow I'm attracted to them, and now I think I know why. Pretentious people pretend to be strong, powerful, dominant, etc. I'm naturally submissive, so anyone pretending to do this makes me feel like obeying them. It doesn't matter to me whether they're actually stong, it's more the image that attracts me. This is more in-love-ness and lust. For a relationship I need someone who pretends to be weak, so I can order them around, but who in reality is much stronger (otherwise I'd lose my respect for them) than me. Luckily, Ittai is exactly one of those people.

- It was our 6th monthiversary on Tuesday night. We've known each other for exactly 10 months, and we've been dating for exactly half a year. Married for just over 3 months. I feel so great. I'm just thinking back to Daniel, the only other longterm relationship I ever had (that wasn't just all in my head), by 6 months we were seriously arguing the whole time, and irritating each other all the time. It's so weird to think that me and Ittai are just getting closer and closer. This truly feels better with every day that comes. Now, yes, I still have lots of icky monogamy thoughts infecting me, so I can't actually pull anyone ('cause everyone's either too ugly, unavailable or they remind me too much of someone else), but I'm sure this will go away with time. For now, I'm just really looking forward to the future. I feel so happy, and I can't wait for Ittai to move here.

Current Mood: dead / happy / lonely
Monday, August 25th, 2003
6:50 pm
Infest was fantastic. Great. I just wished it wouldn't end. Well, Hypnoskull gave me the most massive headache ever, but otherwise it was a great weekend, met lots of new nice people. Can't be bothered to write a proper write-up now. All I'll say is that all the good bands (even the ones I missed) were good and all the crap bands were crap.

And, I was supposed to catch a plane at 6pm, but since it's 6:50 now, I obviously missed it. Can't say I'm too upset *g*. I'm leaving on Wednesday morning though, but, yay, an extra (expensive) day with Ittai is always bliss.
Friday, August 22nd, 2003
10:55 am
Wheee. Went through a bit of hell yesterday, realizing that I didn't have Ian/Architectstorm's number, and that I had to meet him somehow. Sat on the street in Bradford for a while, got about 15 ugly guys coming on to me. Some bloke even threw 5p at me, how sweet. Met some goffy people from Southampton, spent a while drinking with them, finally found Ian and his gf Claire, came to his lovely house, and, erm, spent the evening talking about many interesting-ish things :) Slept in the ultra-comfy summer house, yay. Spent some time reading and otherwise enjoying paradise. Erm, going to the town centre sometime soon... Yay, lots of scary people to meet. I miss Ittai.

Current Mood: perky / nostalgic
Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
8:45 am
Well, yesterday we went to Edgware to meet Ittai's parents. Hmmph. I could say it was better than I expected, but, really, it was about 10 times worse. So much silence. His mother didn't like me wearing my cross(es) and thought it was disrespectful. I didn't agree. I mean, I can wear conservative clothes to show my respect, but, I'm not going to hide any signs of my religion for them any more than for anyone else. I never take my cross off, and it was too hot to wear something with a turtleneck. Grrr. The amount of ultra-Jewish symbols they have around the house, they must be kidding, critisizing my little pieces of jewellery. I mean, Ittai's mother was singing Jewish religious songs as she was preparing food, etc. I have nothing against any kind of other religion, but I find it very insulting that they think I should "come towards them" instead of the other way round. In these matters, I don't think anyone should convert to anything. She was commenting on our "different background" that would create problems later in the relationship, by which she obviously only meant the religion. I'm not much of a practicing Christian, and Ittai is not a religious Jew, so I have no idea where religious background would ever matter to us. His father was just talking about trivial matters to avoid unpleasant conversation. Basically, it was quite quite crap. They seemed like very nice people, and if I wasn't married to their son, I'm sure they wouldn't hate me at all. Plus, yes, according to what Ittai told me, his mother was very pissed off. She even said something like "what's this you've brought into my house??" (not in front of me, but still...). Bah, it was quite fun. But at least I got to see pretty pictures of Ittai when he was just a little boy, aww... At one point in the conversation I mentioned something about children, and you could just see the anger rise in her face. Oh well. Maybe it will get better with time, maybe once they get older and start forgetting stuff...

Current Mood: hopeful
Monday, August 18th, 2003
8:19 am
I've had a lovely weekend. I was obviously feeling quite antisocial, but it did melt away after a while, so I didn't have to spend *too* long nervously mumbling and gibbering at people. Stay Beautiful was quite good, well, their new venue is great, mirrors everywhere almost fully satisfy my vanity, and makes it easier to stare at gorgeous people from all angles :) The music was ok, the heat was unbearable, but there were so many familiar people there, I even met a girl from my old hostess club, how weird.
It was a nightmare trying to get to Slimes in the middle of the night, even though it would have only been a few stops on the tube, but we got there eventually :) Danced a bit (they played The Walk, yipee), hugged and chatted to lots of people, drank disgusting coffee, was ecstatic. Went to Starbucks afterwards, talked with some really nice people, went to the park thingie, met lots of new people. Went with lots of friendly people to Hampstead Heath, stayed there all day. Ittai dozed off at some point, so I ran off having religious discussions with atheists and singing "Yellow Submarine", semi-playing games in the woods...
My heart feels like someone put an ice-cold crust around it now, but this melts away quickly. Ittai called in sick today, so I've got all morning to feel warm again. We have to go to his parent's place in the afternoon, eeekie. I'm really quite nervous about meeting them, but if I just ignore all the subtle insults, everything should be perfect. Life is great :)

Current Mood: happy
Saturday, August 16th, 2003
10:28 am
Ok, so I lied a bit. My plane doesn't leave today, no, it left last night, so I'm in London now. I kind of said it left today to surprise Ittai, and it worked really well. The look on his face when I turned up at his doorstep at 2:30am was priceless :) I'm so so so happy now. All I want in life now is HFC (some guy's Fried Chicken) *g*, this is really the only reason I came to London. Bah, I'm actually ecstatic. Ittai gave me some really really pretty earrings, with karma-bead type stones on them, so you can change the stones according to your outfit, how cute... Especially since my wardrobe isn't exactly colourful, so they fit everything :) Rar, I can't stop smiling.
I *think* we're going to Stay Beautiful tonight, and then to Slimes. Should be fun, Ittai's going to wear all his tranny gear.
*dancing around happily* La, la, la, la!

Current Mood: ecstatic
Thursday, August 14th, 2003
11:50 am
Yay, just received my Whitby X ticket. Or, more like tickets, since they sent me two 2-day tickets *wonders whether she'll have to get 2 wristbands or one*. But, yay, so what if I'll never afford accomodation, and will have to sleep on the side of a road or on the beach in the middle of autumn *g*, at least I'm definitely going (and bringing a lovely English cold back with me) :-D
My mother brought me lots of interesting books, so I think I'll spent most of the day reading them... (Yes, of course I'm bound to pack at the last minute)

Current Mood: yipee
7:28 am
Hmmph. I wonder if all women turn into nagging bitches as they get older.... I know I'm definitely heading in that direction, but still, I really fucking hope I don't turn out as bad as my mother, at least not in that aspect.... I mean, the amount she nags, it seems that she has no heart or feelings, all she cares about is cleaning. Frightening. In any case, she's *really* good at putting people in really really bad moods, at 7am... Grr... At least I went to bed early, or else I would have been 10 times more cranky. Grrr. Can't wait to move out of here.

Current Mood: shit
Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
10:53 am
Right. I've booked my plane and bus tickets. I'm coming to London on Saturday, 11am. And I'm leaving on Monday 25th August in the late afternoon/evening. I'm going to Bradford for Infest on Thursday 21st, so I'll hopefully get to meet up with anyone going there... And, erm, yes, London people, if anyone wants to meet up or something, I'll be out at the weekend and stuff...
My mother's coming back from Moscow today, in the afternoon, so I guess I should really try to clean up a bit. Less arguments that way...

Current Mood: lovely
Thursday, August 7th, 2003
9:54 pm
I got a big shock yesterday.... I was sitting with Josse in the living room, drinking, she was smoking, and then suddenly the doorbell rang downstairs... It was my dad. *g* I was dead sure he was coming home today, but it turns out I mixed up the dates and he was supposed to come back yesterday. We had like 30 seconds to try cleaning the room up, with no signs of our mess... Scary. But, yay, my dad brought me some nice books, herb stuff, shoes, etc. from Moscow, lots of stuff to play with, wheee.

I've been spending quite a bit of time playing around with Fimo, trying to make tacky jewellery out of it. It's going quite well actually, well, the stuff is too soft for me to mold it into proper geomentical shapes, but it's going better than I thought, and it looks great. I'm just using three colours: black, neon pink and neon green, so the tackyness level is quite high. Fantastic :D

And, I've got to get on a bus to Germany in a little over 10 hours from now. Obviously I haven't packed. I checked the weather forecast, it's supposed to be sunny over the weekend, so I *really* hope that it's true (my tent keeps getting less and less waterproof, and is now at the level where it just collapses completely if it starts raining). Hopefully I'll meet up with Lars, so I can camp somewhere next to him... And I'll hopefully also bump into Willz and anyone else going... And see some amazing bands, ooh, I'm actually excited :-)

Otherwise, I feel amazing. And, if I ignore the unbearable heat and the horrible tan I've got, then I fucking love summer. It makes me so happy about everything :)
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